weird time.. adulthood..

I know it has been ages since I last posted anything on my blog.. And for no particular reasons.. Just nothin came to my mind which is worth writing about.. But now i felt I should write something..

I can feel it.. I am changing.. My priorities are changing each and every day.. My feelings, my decisions my lifeplan.. everything! I dunno whether they are for good or for bad.. but I can feel I am growing up.. I still let my heart take over.. but my head is stronger now..

Its not that I am not getting depressed.. I still do.. Its in my blood to say "bhallagchena" every few minutes to my peers.. But yeah, I certainly feel I can deal with it.. And when I try to be, I can be happy.. its like old days.. I pretend to smile at the world..and put up a mask.. and after a while the mask becomes the reality.. my pretention takes over me and I feel happy inside..

I am still confused about what to do about this studies and career of mine.. its so uncertain right now with the current scenario of job market.. And when I cant foresee the future, I do feel insecure.. I like to make the dough of my plans from ahead.. as days goes by and new situation develops, I like to mould them accordinly and give shapes.. but right now, I can't even make the dough coz I cant take a decision.. almost everybody is doin M.tech or MBA.. I mean preparing for it.. but is that what I really want.. I dunno.. I dunno what will make me happy.. I know I want a job.. thats primary..what if i dont get a job..i have to study further to get one.. but what do I wanna study? I just dunno.. thinkin too much makes my head hurt..

In my personal life also confusion.. I am single, confused about my career.. and hell can't control my weight.. my diet.. feel like i need to learn a lot of things and to top it all..I need to move out.. umm, no..aint gonna happen now.. my whole life seems kinda out of control..

Inspite of that, nowadays I dnt feel the despair anymore.. I dunno why but there is a deep faith in me everything is gonna be alright..rather, I know I can sort everything out.. with time.. with pain.. with patience.. and I am gonna be happy.. Like real happy.. and no one will acuse me of being " the depressed girl" anymore.. I look forward to that..

Could'nt find a title to add to my post this time. Actually, there is nothing in my mind. I feel blank, expressionless.. As called by some people.. cold and emotionless.. But its not always like that.. Sometimes you just feel like you the empty inside.. like nothing around you is affecting you much..

Ok, I just had my dinner and you know when you tummy is full ideas keep flowing. There is something I wanted to write about. You see, I have been facing a strange yet common problem. I have this class in niit which is at tollygunje. Its 1/2 an hr walk from my home. I prefer walking..as its a good cardio exercise. But that half an hour..or rather one hour is almost a nightmare for me. All sorts of lewd comments and actions from the guys is so obvious. It makes me mad..crazy.. I used to ignore but I have started shputing back at them. I dont want to stay shut up anymore. There was this vanwalla who said, "wow, besh boro boro toh".. I know the readers here might feel awkward and might think It wasnt necessary for me to give details but m tired.. m really tired of this shit.. people taking photos..i stormed after a couple of them.. But after doing all this, I get scared and tired.. what if this results in some consequence which i don't want.. Still I can not stay silent. Not anymore. I don't want to be afraid. I wanna fight back all those people who makes us feel scared and feel miserable about being a girl. Its gotta stop.

life is weird, aint it?? ^_^

All these while when I was so engrossed into my recent favourite book "The twilight Series".. ( no introduction here, probably half of the population of girls in the world have gone nuts over Edward by now..)

Anyways.. what i was saying..oh yeah..i was totally into this book for a few days after exam..thought that after i finish this probably i will feel good now thay exam is over and I am free..may be even happy.. damn, I was so wrong! ok, so my exams were over..I was still feeling pathetic and then i got into a fight with my best friend.. not really a fight..i hurt her..it was all my fault..nevertheless..it was enough to make her and me upset..then toh my usual mood off is always there..I was feeling kinda empty inside you know..

Tried escaping from the world..very innovative methods..sitting at the corner..eating a lot..exercising a lot sometimes..tearing off tickets..just lying and staring into space..nothing seems to be working anymore..yesterday i decided not to go out and sleep throughout..nopes, din't work..today, got pretty upset in the morning..decided to stay away from the world..went out coz it was necessary..dressed in a crappy bright blue harem pants and yellow top..which made me look like a clown..coz, the colors were so totally mismatched, but i really din't care..

my cousin sis came today.. she wore my flat shoes and went off to belur math with her friends.. all i was left with was my sneakers and 4 inch heels..sneakers would have been more comfortable but i din't wanna increase the clown factor anymore..lazily slipped into those high heels..and strotted off..while sitting in the auto I let my mind wander off..well, i do that quite a lot coz it happen to be one of my favourite past-times..i was gaping absent mindedly at the bikes that were coming..and thinking..thinking and thinking..i realised i have gone weak..i wasnt like this before..i dint use to feel so lonely..

i wasnt sad all the time..could not pinpoint what exactly went wrong..anyways i came back to my senses when the auto took off..i met my friends and stuff..got out job done at gate forum..and then..couples..nowadays, it freaks me out..to hear about my friends talkin about their boyfriends or girlfriends..so see them doing pda..or may be just when they are together..not doing anything..i feel a burning inside my whole body..i want to look away or just get out of that place..feels like i wanna tear my heart out and bury it in the earth so that i never have to get sad again..but i can't..i just tell myself to calm down coz i have to live with this my whole life..i joke to them..i mean..make them happy and carry on..

Then probably,after i have sufficiently tired myself my trotting around in the sun the whole day and may be somewhat sick too..i will try to make myself more tired by doing all stupid things..like sitting on comp for hours..or watching tv and tiring my eyes out..i do that until m sure I am tired enough so that i dnt have to stay awake in bed at night..so that i fall asleep as soon as i hit the bed..i get up and go..sleep..

College crap continued..

Scene IV:

Boy1 standing doing "Ouch..god..chere de.."..blah blah...and boy 2 and boy 3 who happens to know martial art is continuously kicking boy 1's butt.

Scene V:

Teacher teaching in class. He turns to write on board. The moment he turns girl 1 and boy 1 starts bickering about something. Girl 2 tries to put hand on girl 1's mouth to stop her. Boy 1 starts hitting boy 2 for some reason. Girl 1 get mad because Boy 1 lost interest in bickering so hits him pretty hard. "Wham!" Teacher turns around. Every one looked at him as if nothin happened. Suddenly whole class starts laughing. Teacher grins.

Couples scenes...

Scene I:

Girl: Tumi sobsomoi erokom koro.. Amar kosto hoy na? *she starts sobbing*

Boy sits with a grim face and after sometime face and eye gets red as if he is going to cry too..
Girl's head still down and she is sobbing and taking breaks in the middle to wipe off tears..
Boy starts playing game in his cellphone..

Scene II:

Boy: *with a serious face and authoritive tone* Go fill up my bottle. You should learn to do some work.
Girl: Fuck you.. *shows middle finger*
Boy: *messes up her hair badly* take that! *goes and fills up the bottle*

Scene III:

Boy lying with head on girl's lap. Girl bends down and they kisses. After sometime Boy is sitting and the girl is leaning on his shoulders and feeding him her tiffen.

College craps..

Average scenes from our college classroom..

scene I:

Some teacher teaching some subject. The students thinks she is teaching crap..

boy 1: ma'm, I don't understand, explain again.. *turns to his side and mutters to his friend beside him* bokachoda..
girl 1: *in a low voice* She can't teach to save her life!
girl 2 and girl 3 together: cocksucker!!!

Scene II:

girl 1 talking over the phone is some off-period and walking from top of one desk to another..
Accidently,she kicks her friends bag and it falls down.

girl 2: bitch!
girl 1: *very sweetly* sorry!!
girl 2: *more sweetly* its ok..

Scene III:

boy 1 hits girl 1s head.. small bonk.. she turns around and punches him in the arm.

Boy 1: *lifts eyebrow* Is that the best you have got? Girls are weak..

girl turns around and kicks.. Boy almost sits down in pain..

Scene III continued..

Boy 2 sitting on girl 1s place.

Girl 1: oi, hato mere seat se..
Boy 2: kyun? hum nehi jayenge.. u go sit somewhere else..
Girl 1: u better move.. *raises fist*
Boy 2: try to move me.

Girl grabs his hand and pulls and pulls without any effect..

Boy 1: try kicking him in the way you kicked me..
Girl 1: Good idea.. *kicks*
Boy 2: oh god.. one leg gone..i dnt want my another leg to go too.. M moving away.. sorry ma, i sat in ur place..T_T




to be continued..

10 reasons why i wanna be a Japanese..

1. I will be able to watch animes and read mangas as much as I want and that too in Japanese.. and in paperback..

2. Will be able to have sushi and sake..

3. Will be able to take part in anime role playing parties..

4. Ride the bullet train..

5. Visit the most populated city in the world whenever I wanna..

6. Call someone " no baka" and he/she actually understands and slangs me back..

7. Use gadgets for everything..

8. Dress kawaii without having people looking at me strangely like I am a alien or something..

9. Learn Bonshai and ikebana..

10. Coz, thats what i always wanted to be..duh!!!

Male Ego..

I dont understand the male ego. It surprises me even more when the guys take pride in their ego. A friend of mine blogged (a guy friend of course) blogged that he hates seeing girls on bikes or wearing denim or holding beer!! a girl friend of mine was told by a guy friend of her that "lyadh" is a guy word. What exactly do you mean by guy words? that they are harsh? So, do you mean, you dont want girls to say harsh words or slang? Why? Is that because you think girls should not be as powerful as you are or should not do the things you do. Or you are scared that if they do, they will be better in those jobs than you and and you will lose your place? Doesn't that make them losers? If you can do well competing against women who can do the same job as you, then only you can say I am better in that.

Don't get me wrong. I am not a feminist. I hate gender discrimination in any kind. Some companies nowadays only females because they want to make the number of men and women equal. I find that stupid and wrong. When it comes to a sensitive area as job market, people should be recruited based on merits, not gender. Why wouldnt the guys feel bad? Its already so hard to get a job and everybody is working their ass off so that they can make a decent living. Now if a particular gender gets the upperhand just coz they are born with a vagina, its absolutely unfair!!!

Anyways, as I was saying, I hate male egos. I have seen 99% of the guys can't take it if their girlfriend or wife is doing better in career than them. While I have seen very few girls having problems with their men being more successful than them. In fact, many girls willingly give up their job and let let their husband earn.(though I personally dont like it, I dont wanna hurt the feelings of those who does it willingly). But guys? No, never! No matter how much they say, they wont mind. In the end, their ego gets bruised. And all these leads to a broken relationship or a failed marriage. Why guys?? Look around and think. Its time you change your views. Women will be sucessful. You can hold it against them. Some may be better than you. You gotta take it. Just in the way you dont mind a friend better than you, you should also not mind when your girl is better than you. You should be proud of her. Just like she was proud of you when you were doing better than her.

my life these days..

My life is damn weird these days. Just recovered from several illness and then a break up. Then i keep on breaking or losing my things. Lets just say, I am going through a really bad phase.

There is a time in everyones life when they start learning about the real face of the world and how much hypocrisy in it. Its like no matter wherever you go, there is a politics going on between people which they hide behind all their smiles and sweet nature. Its frustrating to see people doing bad things and getting away with it while you get into so much trouble for doing a very silly thing just coz you dont have the power.

You feel tired of all the fakeness around you and start getting frustrated. You keep on wishing the situation will change and one day you give up and start getting depressed. You lose your faith on the world and the people around you. Because no matter how much love you give to them, people dont care about you a bit. And when you get in a tight spot, no one will be there for you.

I feel awful these days and feel like taking a break from the world. But no, I can't do that. I wanna be a fighter, you one someone who can take life and grab it by neck and take it on. Or probably kick it anime style!! ;-)

My battle with chicken pox..

Ok, i just successfully recovered from chicken pox..and no, I didn't have broncho-pneumonia as many were telling me I might have.. First days were aweful.. The pain and suffering.. Only the first few days though.. Oh yes, and the medicines.. I calculated, I had Rs.200 worth medicines per day.. I hate swallowing tablets, you know.. Gimme any tonic, no matter how bad people find its taste, I always seem to like it.. But pills were never really my thing.. I know people like to stick to pills better.. But I had been exceptionally weird from the rest of the world since I was born so I guess its no big deal.. After the first 3-4 days, the physical pain was gone.. I was left with being isolated from the rest of the family.. Well, it was a precautionary measure coz my bro has his Annual exams coming up and we dont want him to fall sick now.. So, here I was left all alone in the first floor with the TV and the computer for company.. only time I saw my mom was when she gave me meals.. Horrible life, I am telling you.. T_T So, after a few days I started going totally nuts.. One day I was feeling like killing everybody I know.. Even cute little puppies and kitties..( I know, that was cruel).. Well then, eventually I recovered.. I went out and collected my voter id card..(yay, now I can take sim cards by my name).. but seriously speaking man, the condition of the Government offices are so darn pathetic.. They should fire all those people for not being sincere.. >_<>

I would like to tell you guys about my chinese friend. His name is Aijun. I love talking to him. Its so much fun to know about a new culture, you know. You get to know a lot about stuffs. And we talk about our social life too. And guess what, we have got the same birthday too. No wonder we have got so much in common. Right now, he is online and I am talking to him. Heehee. I will ask him to read my blog after that.. Hope he does..