I just a little bit caught in the middle..

I never seem to get the hang of writing. I mean, its not like I cannot write, everybody can, if they know the language. Its just that, may be I am just not poetic enough or sound really smart or something like that. Its not like I dunno the words, I guess its more about thinking in them, which I don’t. I write in the same language I speak. And seriously, as my buds would agree, I never really been good at expressing my thought. I usually end up saying something completely different  Sometimes, when I read someones else’s writing, I almost get jealous. Its like wow, how can he or she express himself or herself so wonderfully and with like proper words and everything.

See, I have already drifted from the topic I was meant to write about! Hmm, lets get back to that. Its like, my life is totally screwed up right now. Ok, may be there is one good thing that my ex is completely and finally out of my life but the things which matters the most, that is my career is kinda down in the dumps. Not my fault really. Lady luck has hardly been on my side. That makes me a hard working person though. Or may be something good will happen to me in the future like landing in Microsoft and marrying Mark. Hmm, that sounds really good, doesn’t it? Anyways, lemme hold on to that thought and dream a bit coz I have already forgotten why I started writing the blogpost in the first place and grab some chocs. Toodles.

P.S I have no idea why I put that post title. May be thats the only line which came to my mind right now and I am singing the song over over. 

Just a random thought..

You can spend years with a person and suddenly they would do something so strange that it leaves you wondering whether you knew that person at all! Its weird how people get brainwashed and manipulated and influenced so easily, mostly by people who are close to them and start losing their own personality. And I guess its not always a person who influences them, sometimes its situations, money or lack of it.. but whatever it is, losing your own identity and getting moulded into something else, more often something worse, is not good and certainly not fun for the people who cares about you but cant do anything but be mere spectators.

Alright, completely different issue but I realized I hardly ever blog when I am happy.  I only blog when I am confused and bothered. Does that make me a sadist? I wonder… :-/

End or a new beginning..

I am tired of saying that its been a long time since i wrote last, so I am gonna skip that this time.. As far back i can think i remember myself longing for a personal room of my own, I used to watch this serial called Clarissa, this girl used to have a room with her own decorations n personalized stuff.. and i envied her. Then finally after got a room of my own. and then i started longing for moving out of home, having a place of my own and starting a new life. And now, finally, after all these years, it is time for that and while standing on the crossroads of my life, I am confused.

In spite of my desire to move out and start a new life with new freedom and new challenges, I just simply can't make myself believe that this is it, I am really going away from my friends, family for good and we might meet up and spend a few day together later, but it will never be the same again. This blog post is dedicated to all those people i will miss so much once I am away... Mommy and daddy, I cant really explain how much or what exact i will miss about them, its just that, i know it will be so hard without them.. then my bestest friend is the whole wide world.. srij and shagu.. I have been such dummies over years n have bothered them n drove them crazy by my whining to no extent but they never stopped listening to me.. pri and shriya... who has always stayed true to our friendship when people has come and go in our lives, and we have never failed to hav fun together! My college friends shama, shubha and mona from whom i never expected the love and care and friendship I got.. simididi, i will miss your cooking and sharing all my secrets with her.. and will miss fighting about women rights with joydada and beating him up.. and my closest guy friends who changed my opinion about men... kuntal, surajit, debu, debaditya, debojyoti and arka and soham too.. It will get lonely for me there, and at times I would want to walk out or quit.. but I know at that time, even if we are away I can count on all you people to lift me up and again push me forward.. <3 u...

dark clouds..

2011 was going perfect foe me. My life was perfect, I had a job, I was single and happy and my teeth was getting fixed. And suddenly, all the happiness came to a standstill. Suddenly I was not getting offer letter and also till now I had been in good terms with all the people of college and just before fourth year is almost over I started having fights !! To add to my owes, my ex bf is in town and since I am still friends with him we decided to meet. Inevitably, he went into depression and yeah, i guess we aren't meeting anytime soon. Oh yeah and one of my friends deleted me from his friend list, and i deleted two others. Some people are getting on my nerves more than necessary, some friends, some foe. Together, its like a madhouse going inside my head.

What what is a good idea, running away from the madhouse or doing a rampage and destroy it? :|

Life..

Life is such an irony. I moment it starts making you believe that life is the best thing that can happen to us and you start getting a sip of the honey sweet mixture, you are left with a bitter aftertaste. Just when you think everything is perfect, everything will fall apart. You suddenly find you don't have a job, you are separated from your friends and you don't know anymore what you can cling to. It is so painful, you can't even cry.

Apparently, it wasn't even in your hands. This was pure luck. you gave your best and yet you met with a defeat. After you laugh, you have to cry in pain. That is the rule. Don't be in illusions. If you think life is beautiful, think again. beacuse it will remind you soon enough that life is cruel, its unfair and ironic. When you think otherwise, it makes sure, it gets you back on the right path.

I am writing this in a lot of pain. Hope whatever I am going through right now, ends soon. 

nuttiest, craziest day of my life!!

There are some days which you don’t forget ever in your life. You know, such as your first kiss, wedding day, first child, first alcohol and FIRST JOB.!!!!

The day was 26^th January 2011. For any other Indian, it was one of the boring Republic Days (erm, may be not so boring if you are part of the parade) as the excitement of patriotism has died down a lot. But for the CIEMiams who have appeared or going to appear for the Mahindra campus drive. As for myself, all those aptitude and interviews ended on day 1 itself, 24^th Jan and all I was doing is waiting and waiting…. Waitinggggggg. I lost my sleep and as well my appetite. Srij kept on telling this wait is the best part, frankly, I still think it wasn’t. All I could think like “oh, the guy didn’t ask me many questions, may be he planned to eliminate me” or “oh, so many people did better than me, I have no chance, whatsoever”. Before that, after technical round, I was like “noway, she didn’t ask me anything much!! I am a goner!! She doesn’t like me!!”. And after the aptitude test I went into depression as I answered too few questions and went to stand in the balcony alone as I couldn’t bear to face people. And after each round, each time my name was announced, my heart leaped though there weren’t feelings of joy, it was filled with relief.

On the afternoon of 25^th jan I heard that people who were made to sign a certain declaration in the HR round are supposed to be already chosen. I could breathe easy for sometime, but not for long though, in the evening I came to know, too many went to the HR round and they are going to eliminate. Man, that was the night. The painful, torturing night! Next day I started getting numb, by that time, I have made myself convinced, even if I don’t get its ok, I will get next time, its no big deal. So, around the time where the results were to be announced, I didn’t go to college. And suddenly Shama texts me saying results are out and she has gotten in. I kept calling and texting people frantically and finally after being confirmed by Surajit, Srija and Shubha I was filled with a overwhelming sense of relief. I didn’t fill overwhelming joy, just a soothing feeling calmed the storm which was going on in the mind. Then phone calls kept on pouring in, three phones and numerous congratulations. That time it felt good!! Really really good! My grandma even made me promise I am gonna buy her gold jewellery when I get salary!! The congratulions are still going on though, it feels so good to see everyone happy for me. Never felt so important and loved in my life, I suppose. Sugoi desu ne? ^_^

Happy New Year Minna..

Happy new year everyone.. (in case u dunno minna is everyone in Japanese) . This year really began with something..Whoa.. First all my friends are getting jobs one by one.. Omedato to them from bottom of my heart.. And now, we have this huge confusion going on without our own placement. Our college has never been so great in the job-giving front, but when they make false promises, it really does kill your concentration and peace of mind. But, I am trying not to fall prey of that. Keeping my self calm and not getting frustrated and study hard in my own way is the key, i suppose. And also not to depend on anything, not even college. So, here you go guys, I am blogging after such a long time on a brand new year with new hope and promising myself that no matter what happens, I will be happier this year.. this is Solanki signing off for sometime again.. "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst".

Innocence, Trust and Betrayal

Wrath of growing age kills innocence. Trusts become less. Suspicion becomes more. Loved ones are not so loved anymore because our senses of pure love are clouded by jealousy, fear, suspicion, pride. Family is not so dear anymore. Feelings are less, desires are more. Feelings are a pain, desires make you gain --- this is the motto. Never trust anyone as you will be betrayed. When someone says they love you doubt the person. When someone shows they care they must be asking for something in return. When someone jokes with you it must be a sarcastic laugh behind your back. When someone is kind to you there must be a cruel intention behind it.

As trust dies, you become the slave of betrayal. You betray innocence, feelings, love. You push people away, even the people who might have never betrayed you. But in the fear of getting betrayed, you betray them.

Is this the new world? Is this the meaning of growing up? Becoming an adult? Assuming responsibility? Being mature? I am sorry then. I don’t want to grow up. I would love to stay a child and hold on to that innocence as long as I can. So that, even if I get betrayed, I wont betray others or push people away.

Jump into fire and come back to life, phoenix

It has been a long time since I last made a blog post. Well, there is a reason behind it. I promised myself when I write next it will be about Arati. A young girl who came into our life for sometime and made an everlasting impression before a cruel fate took her away. She came and made our home her own in such a short time we thought we are so lucky. Her little pranks and fun scolding are still so fresh in my mind. She treated us as her family and we loved her and made her a part of ours as well. She had an abominable desire to live and enjoy life. After Bharati didi I haven’t seen a girl so enthusiastic about studies and learning how to read and write. In a few months she learnt all the Bengali alphabets and started with the reading part! Her wrong spellings were always fun to correct, and we both will laugh about it. She will shy away sometimes if we tease her about a lovely future with a husband and family. But I knew she wanted a future. Instead of giving her earnings to her family who will do nothing but waste it, she was intelligent enough to save it and make ornaments. She was our housemaid.. but she loved us to much that from mela she bought us all a little something. I couldn’t tell anyone how touch I was. Now that I think about it her smiling face floats in my mind and my eyes get filled up with tears.

Even during her last days with her when she was sick and mom was very worried about her, she will keep a smiling face and will assure us. I think she was the strongest among all of us. One day  when mom was sitting in the evening with a worried face after a day of a lot of running around about her from doctor to doctors, she came with tea and few snacks by herself and gave mom and said in Bengali, “you haven’t ate anything for a long time. Don’t worry about me so much. I will be alright. If you don’t eat you will fall sick too.” Tears running down my face as I am typing this. When she was leaving I told her to take care of herself and take medicines properly and come back as soon as she gets well. Little did I know that was the last time I will be seeing her in my life. I have spent days thinking if only I had spent more time with her, haven’t been rude to her at times when I was in a bad mood, if only I had given her something she loves.. and now none of those are possible. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and hope wherever she is , she is at peace. 

You taught me how to believe in myself and think I am good enough..

You stopped my panics, you gave me shots of reality..

You made me understand dreams that we dream not always come true..

You showed me how promises are made and promises are broken..

You made me weak and showed me how much I can love a person..

You taught me how to fight and you make me feel lucky..

You made me realize how i can be be willing to give up so much for getting the person I love..

You made me beg, you made me cry..

You showed me how dreams of building a family together can be so special..

You opened new horizons in front me me, taught me how to love..

You taught me how to trust and believe and how to let go..

You made me weak and you made me strong..

Now you tell me, did you get what you were looking for.. PEACE??

Losing you... was it worth it??

Wherever you are, whoever you are with, hope you stay happy..

Me and Anime..

Was watching Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood yesterday. Realised how deeply I am emotinally involved with this anime thingy. I feel the emotions I would never feel in real life or watching a movie while watching an anime. Best part of it is, it changed my life.

I still remember the time I was first introduced to animes. Fushigi Yugi, or Curious Play as I knew it then... It showed me "cartoons" can be funny with action and romance at the same time.. and melodramatic (this part I realised long later).. Serials bored me.. American cartoons never appealed so much.. But Miaka and Tamahome caught my breath..

I started applying the stuff I saw in the anime in real life. Ok, now you might go, WTF!! But it wasnt so bad. It was like.. when i had a fight with my best friend, I would think, what would Miaka do now. The I will remember Yui, Miakas best friend tried to hurt her so bad.. deserted her but she never stopped loving her.. she never, for once hold a grudge against her.. I would immediately go to my best friend and say sorry and make up with her. Miakas idealistic principles.. her fantasy life.. gave me hope.. made me do things which i wouldn't have done otherwise.. Made me a better person.

But does that mean she is a good role model?? Noway!! She was a stupid weak teenager who depended on others to protect her and was emotionally dependant on the men she loved.. Tamahome.. God, dunno how many nights I have spent dreaming myself in Tamahome's arms.. I almost believed, I will go to the medieval chinese world someday and I will be Suzaku No Miko.. and Tamahome will be in love with me..

Stupid dreams... Silly me.. Wake up call to reality.. But Miaka , stupid silly romantic 15 year old girl with a determination to protect all the people she love still lives inside me.. and always will..

sudden realisation..

Had a moment of truth yesterday.. Weird but nice.. Internet has liberated me. I was a fat house cat with a brooding mind.. But my entry to the virtual world set me free.. I was free to pursue my varied interests.. Experiment on people's mind and the kick i got from it was awesome.. I could quench my never satisfying thirst of anime..

Then a slip.. a tiny little slip made me lost almost everything.. Being practical n settled is not for me.. I am born to dream and fly and experiment.. Romance is momentary.. Change is the truth.. I gave up my anime life.. and later i lost the thing I have my anime life for.. I was left with my brooding self again.. lost in darkness.. refusing to come out of it..

People make mistakes.. life goes on.. but the things u love never change.. they r not worth giving for anything in life even if it feels u love something more than that.. I know I sound awfully vague.. Even I am confused about what to write.. what I am feeling now is difficult to put into words.. will try again later.. until then.. toodles.. ^___^

ganbatte kudasai!!

getting over it..

I know its over
But your memories still in my mind.
As I cherish the lovely days we had
Feels read hard to leave them behind.
The touch of your lips, the smell of your skin,
Has stayed back in the memories of tiny little things.
When I already knew you don't want me anymore,
It was stupid of me for wanting to hold on
Now that you have broken free form me,
It is so hard to forget and move on.
I remember the cruel fights we had
Ans also your cold loveless stare
Piercing my heart, when you said, "Find someone else,
Your life is not mine to share."
You deleted me from your life
But I cant wipe you off
Because I know though I am not the one for you anymore
Life for us without each other is rough.
But don't think I will be weak, I won't be broken..
You will always be in my heart like the half remembered old song.
And I will spread my wings out to new life, to the open.
While you go, I will flow
And perhaps one day you will know
No one can love you so fiercely inspite of your fault like this friend..

10 things to check before falling in love:-

• ·         Make sure the guy is willing you sing stupid romantic karaoke tracks with you while having a good time.
• ·         Will bring you breakfast to bed when you are down.
• ·         Will give the first kiss on forehead.
• ·         Wont be pissed if you start texting him a lot in one of your “pit bull-monster-so-I-miss-him-like-hell” days
• ·         Will treat you as his best friend and will be the person who teases you the most.
• ·         Stay away when you are in one of your hormonal moods.
• ·         Doesn’t get jealous when you talk about your ex.
• ·         When you tell him your problem he says “I understand” and gives you a hug and doesn’t try to solve it, you can solve it yourself.
• ·         Understands that a girl needs to share her happy moments with her girlfriends.
• ·         Talks to you about latest gadgets and cars.. what if you are a girl, cant you be interested in them?

Braces..

Ok.. I thought I should blog about this coz this has definitly become an important part of my life... whether i like it or not.. Umm.. the thing is.. I have got braces.. Ok.. this is definitly disrupting my normal life a bit.. and i know..lotta people out there will say I am too old to get braces.. but adult braces are quite common nowadays.. ok.. i cant eat anything properly.. and everything gets struck into my braces..very gross.. and my teeth hurts like hell so i cant chew or bite.. but it feels normal now.. and m happy I had the guts to get 4 teeth pulled out and continue with the treatment.. Yay!! ^_^

I am in LOVE...

Ok.. just when I was feeling really low.. I am all cheered up... And guess the reason.. My new love interests.. My friends pet guinea pigs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they are sooooooooo adorable... I love the way they sit.. love the way they nibble on food.. I love their squealing noises.. I love their silky ears.. I love their soft legs and long nails.. I love it when they tried to bite me..(sherry did.. thought my finger is gajar ka halwa ^_^) .. i love to pick them up.. i love petting their furr.. i love teasing them... I think i loved everything about them..........

So guys.. I am really in love!!!

There are some days when you just feel angry at the whole world for all the bad things that has happened with u.. you feel so pessimistic that u feel like someone is dragging you down into shit.. you are trying to get up but you cant.. coz it feels something has gotten hold of your throat and choking you.. Not choking you enough to kill you.. but gagging you.. and you can feel the air draining out of your lungs slowly.. as it gets more and more difficult to breathe...........

Most of the times, you know why you are feeling that way.. Sometimes you dont.. Well, obviously there is a reason.. but its in your subconscious mind.. All you can do is wait.. count the numbers backwards.. or the more pious ones will take their God's name and wait till the dreadful feeling passes away...

weird time.. adulthood..

I know it has been ages since I last posted anything on my blog.. And for no particular reasons.. Just nothin came to my mind which is worth writing about.. But now i felt I should write something..

I can feel it.. I am changing.. My priorities are changing each and every day.. My feelings, my decisions my lifeplan.. everything! I dunno whether they are for good or for bad.. but I can feel I am growing up.. I still let my heart take over.. but my head is stronger now..

Its not that I am not getting depressed.. I still do.. Its in my blood to say "bhallagchena" every few minutes to my peers.. But yeah, I certainly feel I can deal with it.. And when I try to be, I can be happy.. its like old days.. I pretend to smile at the world..and put up a mask.. and after a while the mask becomes the reality.. my pretention takes over me and I feel happy inside..

I am still confused about what to do about this studies and career of mine.. its so uncertain right now with the current scenario of job market.. And when I cant foresee the future, I do feel insecure.. I like to make the dough of my plans from ahead.. as days goes by and new situation develops, I like to mould them accordinly and give shapes.. but right now, I can't even make the dough coz I cant take a decision.. almost everybody is doin M.tech or MBA.. I mean preparing for it.. but is that what I really want.. I dunno.. I dunno what will make me happy.. I know I want a job.. thats primary..what if i dont get a job..i have to study further to get one.. but what do I wanna study? I just dunno.. thinkin too much makes my head hurt..

In my personal life also confusion.. I am single, confused about my career.. and hell can't control my weight.. my diet.. feel like i need to learn a lot of things and to top it all..I need to move out.. umm, no..aint gonna happen now.. my whole life seems kinda out of control..

Inspite of that, nowadays I dnt feel the despair anymore.. I dunno why but there is a deep faith in me everything is gonna be alright..rather, I know I can sort everything out.. with time.. with pain.. with patience.. and I am gonna be happy.. Like real happy.. and no one will acuse me of being " the depressed girl" anymore.. I look forward to that..

Could'nt find a title to add to my post this time. Actually, there is nothing in my mind. I feel blank, expressionless.. As called by some people.. cold and emotionless.. But its not always like that.. Sometimes you just feel like you the empty inside.. like nothing around you is affecting you much..

Ok, I just had my dinner and you know when you tummy is full ideas keep flowing. There is something I wanted to write about. You see, I have been facing a strange yet common problem. I have this class in niit which is at tollygunje. Its 1/2 an hr walk from my home. I prefer walking..as its a good cardio exercise. But that half an hour..or rather one hour is almost a nightmare for me. All sorts of lewd comments and actions from the guys is so obvious. It makes me mad..crazy.. I used to ignore but I have started shputing back at them. I dont want to stay shut up anymore. There was this vanwalla who said, "wow, besh boro boro toh".. I know the readers here might feel awkward and might think It wasnt necessary for me to give details but m tired.. m really tired of this shit.. people taking photos..i stormed after a couple of them.. But after doing all this, I get scared and tired.. what if this results in some consequence which i don't want.. Still I can not stay silent. Not anymore. I don't want to be afraid. I wanna fight back all those people who makes us feel scared and feel miserable about being a girl. Its gotta stop.

life is weird, aint it?? ^_^

All these while when I was so engrossed into my recent favourite book "The twilight Series".. ( no introduction here, probably half of the population of girls in the world have gone nuts over Edward by now..)

Anyways.. what i was saying..oh yeah..i was totally into this book for a few days after exam..thought that after i finish this probably i will feel good now thay exam is over and I am free..may be even happy.. damn, I was so wrong! ok, so my exams were over..I was still feeling pathetic and then i got into a fight with my best friend.. not really a fight..i hurt her..it was all my fault..nevertheless..it was enough to make her and me upset..then toh my usual mood off is always there..I was feeling kinda empty inside you know..

Tried escaping from the world..very innovative methods..sitting at the corner..eating a lot..exercising a lot sometimes..tearing off tickets..just lying and staring into space..nothing seems to be working anymore..yesterday i decided not to go out and sleep throughout..nopes, din't work..today, got pretty upset in the morning..decided to stay away from the world..went out coz it was necessary..dressed in a crappy bright blue harem pants and yellow top..which made me look like a clown..coz, the colors were so totally mismatched, but i really din't care..

my cousin sis came today.. she wore my flat shoes and went off to belur math with her friends.. all i was left with was my sneakers and 4 inch heels..sneakers would have been more comfortable but i din't wanna increase the clown factor anymore..lazily slipped into those high heels..and strotted off..while sitting in the auto I let my mind wander off..well, i do that quite a lot coz it happen to be one of my favourite past-times..i was gaping absent mindedly at the bikes that were coming..and thinking..thinking and thinking..i realised i have gone weak..i wasnt like this before..i dint use to feel so lonely..

i wasnt sad all the time..could not pinpoint what exactly went wrong..anyways i came back to my senses when the auto took off..i met my friends and stuff..got out job done at gate forum..and then..couples..nowadays, it freaks me out..to hear about my friends talkin about their boyfriends or girlfriends..so see them doing pda..or may be just when they are together..not doing anything..i feel a burning inside my whole body..i want to look away or just get out of that place..feels like i wanna tear my heart out and bury it in the earth so that i never have to get sad again..but i can't..i just tell myself to calm down coz i have to live with this my whole life..i joke to them..i mean..make them happy and carry on..

Then probably,after i have sufficiently tired myself my trotting around in the sun the whole day and may be somewhat sick too..i will try to make myself more tired by doing all stupid things..like sitting on comp for hours..or watching tv and tiring my eyes out..i do that until m sure I am tired enough so that i dnt have to stay awake in bed at night..so that i fall asleep as soon as i hit the bed..i get up and go..sleep..