Innocence, Trust and Betrayal

Wrath of growing age kills innocence. Trusts become less. Suspicion becomes more. Loved ones are not so loved anymore because our senses of pure love are clouded by jealousy, fear, suspicion, pride. Family is not so dear anymore. Feelings are less, desires are more. Feelings are a pain, desires make you gain --- this is the motto. Never trust anyone as you will be betrayed. When someone says they love you doubt the person. When someone shows they care they must be asking for something in return. When someone jokes with you it must be a sarcastic laugh behind your back. When someone is kind to you there must be a cruel intention behind it.

As trust dies, you become the slave of betrayal. You betray innocence, feelings, love. You push people away, even the people who might have never betrayed you. But in the fear of getting betrayed, you betray them.

Is this the new world? Is this the meaning of growing up? Becoming an adult? Assuming responsibility? Being mature? I am sorry then. I don’t want to grow up. I would love to stay a child and hold on to that innocence as long as I can. So that, even if I get betrayed, I wont betray others or push people away.

Jump into fire and come back to life, phoenix

It has been a long time since I last made a blog post. Well, there is a reason behind it. I promised myself when I write next it will be about Arati. A young girl who came into our life for sometime and made an everlasting impression before a cruel fate took her away. She came and made our home her own in such a short time we thought we are so lucky. Her little pranks and fun scolding are still so fresh in my mind. She treated us as her family and we loved her and made her a part of ours as well. She had an abominable desire to live and enjoy life. After Bharati didi I haven’t seen a girl so enthusiastic about studies and learning how to read and write. In a few months she learnt all the Bengali alphabets and started with the reading part! Her wrong spellings were always fun to correct, and we both will laugh about it. She will shy away sometimes if we tease her about a lovely future with a husband and family. But I knew she wanted a future. Instead of giving her earnings to her family who will do nothing but waste it, she was intelligent enough to save it and make ornaments. She was our housemaid.. but she loved us to much that from mela she bought us all a little something. I couldn’t tell anyone how touch I was. Now that I think about it her smiling face floats in my mind and my eyes get filled up with tears.

Even during her last days with her when she was sick and mom was very worried about her, she will keep a smiling face and will assure us. I think she was the strongest among all of us. One day  when mom was sitting in the evening with a worried face after a day of a lot of running around about her from doctor to doctors, she came with tea and few snacks by herself and gave mom and said in Bengali, “you haven’t ate anything for a long time. Don’t worry about me so much. I will be alright. If you don’t eat you will fall sick too.” Tears running down my face as I am typing this. When she was leaving I told her to take care of herself and take medicines properly and come back as soon as she gets well. Little did I know that was the last time I will be seeing her in my life. I have spent days thinking if only I had spent more time with her, haven’t been rude to her at times when I was in a bad mood, if only I had given her something she loves.. and now none of those are possible. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and hope wherever she is , she is at peace. 

You taught me how to believe in myself and think I am good enough..

You stopped my panics, you gave me shots of reality..

You made me understand dreams that we dream not always come true..

You showed me how promises are made and promises are broken..

You made me weak and showed me how much I can love a person..

You taught me how to fight and you make me feel lucky..

You made me realize how i can be be willing to give up so much for getting the person I love..

You made me beg, you made me cry..

You showed me how dreams of building a family together can be so special..

You opened new horizons in front me me, taught me how to love..

You taught me how to trust and believe and how to let go..

You made me weak and you made me strong..

Now you tell me, did you get what you were looking for.. PEACE??

Losing you... was it worth it??

Wherever you are, whoever you are with, hope you stay happy..

Me and Anime..

Was watching Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood yesterday. Realised how deeply I am emotinally involved with this anime thingy. I feel the emotions I would never feel in real life or watching a movie while watching an anime. Best part of it is, it changed my life.

I still remember the time I was first introduced to animes. Fushigi Yugi, or Curious Play as I knew it then... It showed me "cartoons" can be funny with action and romance at the same time.. and melodramatic (this part I realised long later).. Serials bored me.. American cartoons never appealed so much.. But Miaka and Tamahome caught my breath..

I started applying the stuff I saw in the anime in real life. Ok, now you might go, WTF!! But it wasnt so bad. It was like.. when i had a fight with my best friend, I would think, what would Miaka do now. The I will remember Yui, Miakas best friend tried to hurt her so bad.. deserted her but she never stopped loving her.. she never, for once hold a grudge against her.. I would immediately go to my best friend and say sorry and make up with her. Miakas idealistic principles.. her fantasy life.. gave me hope.. made me do things which i wouldn't have done otherwise.. Made me a better person.

But does that mean she is a good role model?? Noway!! She was a stupid weak teenager who depended on others to protect her and was emotionally dependant on the men she loved.. Tamahome.. God, dunno how many nights I have spent dreaming myself in Tamahome's arms.. I almost believed, I will go to the medieval chinese world someday and I will be Suzaku No Miko.. and Tamahome will be in love with me..

Stupid dreams... Silly me.. Wake up call to reality.. But Miaka , stupid silly romantic 15 year old girl with a determination to protect all the people she love still lives inside me.. and always will..

sudden realisation..

Had a moment of truth yesterday.. Weird but nice.. Internet has liberated me. I was a fat house cat with a brooding mind.. But my entry to the virtual world set me free.. I was free to pursue my varied interests.. Experiment on people's mind and the kick i got from it was awesome.. I could quench my never satisfying thirst of anime..

Then a slip.. a tiny little slip made me lost almost everything.. Being practical n settled is not for me.. I am born to dream and fly and experiment.. Romance is momentary.. Change is the truth.. I gave up my anime life.. and later i lost the thing I have my anime life for.. I was left with my brooding self again.. lost in darkness.. refusing to come out of it..

People make mistakes.. life goes on.. but the things u love never change.. they r not worth giving for anything in life even if it feels u love something more than that.. I know I sound awfully vague.. Even I am confused about what to write.. what I am feeling now is difficult to put into words.. will try again later.. until then.. toodles.. ^___^

ganbatte kudasai!!

getting over it..

I know its over
But your memories still in my mind.
As I cherish the lovely days we had
Feels read hard to leave them behind.
The touch of your lips, the smell of your skin,
Has stayed back in the memories of tiny little things.
When I already knew you don't want me anymore,
It was stupid of me for wanting to hold on
Now that you have broken free form me,
It is so hard to forget and move on.
I remember the cruel fights we had
Ans also your cold loveless stare
Piercing my heart, when you said, "Find someone else,
Your life is not mine to share."
You deleted me from your life
But I cant wipe you off
Because I know though I am not the one for you anymore
Life for us without each other is rough.
But don't think I will be weak, I won't be broken..
You will always be in my heart like the half remembered old song.
And I will spread my wings out to new life, to the open.
While you go, I will flow
And perhaps one day you will know
No one can love you so fiercely inspite of your fault like this friend..

10 things to check before falling in love:-

• ·         Make sure the guy is willing you sing stupid romantic karaoke tracks with you while having a good time.
• ·         Will bring you breakfast to bed when you are down.
• ·         Will give the first kiss on forehead.
• ·         Wont be pissed if you start texting him a lot in one of your “pit bull-monster-so-I-miss-him-like-hell” days
• ·         Will treat you as his best friend and will be the person who teases you the most.
• ·         Stay away when you are in one of your hormonal moods.
• ·         Doesn’t get jealous when you talk about your ex.
• ·         When you tell him your problem he says “I understand” and gives you a hug and doesn’t try to solve it, you can solve it yourself.
• ·         Understands that a girl needs to share her happy moments with her girlfriends.
• ·         Talks to you about latest gadgets and cars.. what if you are a girl, cant you be interested in them?

Braces..

Ok.. I thought I should blog about this coz this has definitly become an important part of my life... whether i like it or not.. Umm.. the thing is.. I have got braces.. Ok.. this is definitly disrupting my normal life a bit.. and i know..lotta people out there will say I am too old to get braces.. but adult braces are quite common nowadays.. ok.. i cant eat anything properly.. and everything gets struck into my braces..very gross.. and my teeth hurts like hell so i cant chew or bite.. but it feels normal now.. and m happy I had the guts to get 4 teeth pulled out and continue with the treatment.. Yay!! ^_^

I am in LOVE...

Ok.. just when I was feeling really low.. I am all cheered up... And guess the reason.. My new love interests.. My friends pet guinea pigs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they are sooooooooo adorable... I love the way they sit.. love the way they nibble on food.. I love their squealing noises.. I love their silky ears.. I love their soft legs and long nails.. I love it when they tried to bite me..(sherry did.. thought my finger is gajar ka halwa ^_^) .. i love to pick them up.. i love petting their furr.. i love teasing them... I think i loved everything about them..........

So guys.. I am really in love!!!

There are some days when you just feel angry at the whole world for all the bad things that has happened with u.. you feel so pessimistic that u feel like someone is dragging you down into shit.. you are trying to get up but you cant.. coz it feels something has gotten hold of your throat and choking you.. Not choking you enough to kill you.. but gagging you.. and you can feel the air draining out of your lungs slowly.. as it gets more and more difficult to breathe...........

Most of the times, you know why you are feeling that way.. Sometimes you dont.. Well, obviously there is a reason.. but its in your subconscious mind.. All you can do is wait.. count the numbers backwards.. or the more pious ones will take their God's name and wait till the dreadful feeling passes away...