dark clouds..

2011 was going perfect foe me. My life was perfect, I had a job, I was single and happy and my teeth was getting fixed. And suddenly, all the happiness came to a standstill. Suddenly I was not getting offer letter and also till now I had been in good terms with all the people of college and just before fourth year is almost over I started having fights !! To add to my owes, my ex bf is in town and since I am still friends with him we decided to meet. Inevitably, he went into depression and yeah, i guess we aren't meeting anytime soon. Oh yeah and one of my friends deleted me from his friend list, and i deleted two others. Some people are getting on my nerves more than necessary, some friends, some foe. Together, its like a madhouse going inside my head.

What what is a good idea, running away from the madhouse or doing a rampage and destroy it? :|

Life..

Life is such an irony. I moment it starts making you believe that life is the best thing that can happen to us and you start getting a sip of the honey sweet mixture, you are left with a bitter aftertaste. Just when you think everything is perfect, everything will fall apart. You suddenly find you don't have a job, you are separated from your friends and you don't know anymore what you can cling to. It is so painful, you can't even cry.

Apparently, it wasn't even in your hands. This was pure luck. you gave your best and yet you met with a defeat. After you laugh, you have to cry in pain. That is the rule. Don't be in illusions. If you think life is beautiful, think again. beacuse it will remind you soon enough that life is cruel, its unfair and ironic. When you think otherwise, it makes sure, it gets you back on the right path.

I am writing this in a lot of pain. Hope whatever I am going through right now, ends soon. 

nuttiest, craziest day of my life!!

There are some days which you don’t forget ever in your life. You know, such as your first kiss, wedding day, first child, first alcohol and FIRST JOB.!!!!

The day was 26^th January 2011. For any other Indian, it was one of the boring Republic Days (erm, may be not so boring if you are part of the parade) as the excitement of patriotism has died down a lot. But for the CIEMiams who have appeared or going to appear for the Mahindra campus drive. As for myself, all those aptitude and interviews ended on day 1 itself, 24^th Jan and all I was doing is waiting and waiting…. Waitinggggggg. I lost my sleep and as well my appetite. Srij kept on telling this wait is the best part, frankly, I still think it wasn’t. All I could think like “oh, the guy didn’t ask me many questions, may be he planned to eliminate me” or “oh, so many people did better than me, I have no chance, whatsoever”. Before that, after technical round, I was like “noway, she didn’t ask me anything much!! I am a goner!! She doesn’t like me!!”. And after the aptitude test I went into depression as I answered too few questions and went to stand in the balcony alone as I couldn’t bear to face people. And after each round, each time my name was announced, my heart leaped though there weren’t feelings of joy, it was filled with relief.

On the afternoon of 25^th jan I heard that people who were made to sign a certain declaration in the HR round are supposed to be already chosen. I could breathe easy for sometime, but not for long though, in the evening I came to know, too many went to the HR round and they are going to eliminate. Man, that was the night. The painful, torturing night! Next day I started getting numb, by that time, I have made myself convinced, even if I don’t get its ok, I will get next time, its no big deal. So, around the time where the results were to be announced, I didn’t go to college. And suddenly Shama texts me saying results are out and she has gotten in. I kept calling and texting people frantically and finally after being confirmed by Surajit, Srija and Shubha I was filled with a overwhelming sense of relief. I didn’t fill overwhelming joy, just a soothing feeling calmed the storm which was going on in the mind. Then phone calls kept on pouring in, three phones and numerous congratulations. That time it felt good!! Really really good! My grandma even made me promise I am gonna buy her gold jewellery when I get salary!! The congratulions are still going on though, it feels so good to see everyone happy for me. Never felt so important and loved in my life, I suppose. Sugoi desu ne? ^_^

Happy New Year Minna..

Happy new year everyone.. (in case u dunno minna is everyone in Japanese) . This year really began with something..Whoa.. First all my friends are getting jobs one by one.. Omedato to them from bottom of my heart.. And now, we have this huge confusion going on without our own placement. Our college has never been so great in the job-giving front, but when they make false promises, it really does kill your concentration and peace of mind. But, I am trying not to fall prey of that. Keeping my self calm and not getting frustrated and study hard in my own way is the key, i suppose. And also not to depend on anything, not even college. So, here you go guys, I am blogging after such a long time on a brand new year with new hope and promising myself that no matter what happens, I will be happier this year.. this is Solanki signing off for sometime again.. "Hope for the best, prepare for the worst".

Innocence, Trust and Betrayal

Wrath of growing age kills innocence. Trusts become less. Suspicion becomes more. Loved ones are not so loved anymore because our senses of pure love are clouded by jealousy, fear, suspicion, pride. Family is not so dear anymore. Feelings are less, desires are more. Feelings are a pain, desires make you gain --- this is the motto. Never trust anyone as you will be betrayed. When someone says they love you doubt the person. When someone shows they care they must be asking for something in return. When someone jokes with you it must be a sarcastic laugh behind your back. When someone is kind to you there must be a cruel intention behind it.

As trust dies, you become the slave of betrayal. You betray innocence, feelings, love. You push people away, even the people who might have never betrayed you. But in the fear of getting betrayed, you betray them.

Is this the new world? Is this the meaning of growing up? Becoming an adult? Assuming responsibility? Being mature? I am sorry then. I don’t want to grow up. I would love to stay a child and hold on to that innocence as long as I can. So that, even if I get betrayed, I wont betray others or push people away.

Jump into fire and come back to life, phoenix

It has been a long time since I last made a blog post. Well, there is a reason behind it. I promised myself when I write next it will be about Arati. A young girl who came into our life for sometime and made an everlasting impression before a cruel fate took her away. She came and made our home her own in such a short time we thought we are so lucky. Her little pranks and fun scolding are still so fresh in my mind. She treated us as her family and we loved her and made her a part of ours as well. She had an abominable desire to live and enjoy life. After Bharati didi I haven’t seen a girl so enthusiastic about studies and learning how to read and write. In a few months she learnt all the Bengali alphabets and started with the reading part! Her wrong spellings were always fun to correct, and we both will laugh about it. She will shy away sometimes if we tease her about a lovely future with a husband and family. But I knew she wanted a future. Instead of giving her earnings to her family who will do nothing but waste it, she was intelligent enough to save it and make ornaments. She was our housemaid.. but she loved us to much that from mela she bought us all a little something. I couldn’t tell anyone how touch I was. Now that I think about it her smiling face floats in my mind and my eyes get filled up with tears.

Even during her last days with her when she was sick and mom was very worried about her, she will keep a smiling face and will assure us. I think she was the strongest among all of us. One day  when mom was sitting in the evening with a worried face after a day of a lot of running around about her from doctor to doctors, she came with tea and few snacks by herself and gave mom and said in Bengali, “you haven’t ate anything for a long time. Don’t worry about me so much. I will be alright. If you don’t eat you will fall sick too.” Tears running down my face as I am typing this. When she was leaving I told her to take care of herself and take medicines properly and come back as soon as she gets well. Little did I know that was the last time I will be seeing her in my life. I have spent days thinking if only I had spent more time with her, haven’t been rude to her at times when I was in a bad mood, if only I had given her something she loves.. and now none of those are possible. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and hope wherever she is , she is at peace. 

You taught me how to believe in myself and think I am good enough..

You stopped my panics, you gave me shots of reality..

You made me understand dreams that we dream not always come true..

You showed me how promises are made and promises are broken..

You made me weak and showed me how much I can love a person..

You taught me how to fight and you make me feel lucky..

You made me realize how i can be be willing to give up so much for getting the person I love..

You made me beg, you made me cry..

You showed me how dreams of building a family together can be so special..

You opened new horizons in front me me, taught me how to love..

You taught me how to trust and believe and how to let go..

You made me weak and you made me strong..

Now you tell me, did you get what you were looking for.. PEACE??

Losing you... was it worth it??

Wherever you are, whoever you are with, hope you stay happy..