Innocence, Trust and Betrayal

Wrath of growing age kills innocence. Trusts become less. Suspicion becomes more. Loved ones are not so loved anymore because our senses of pure love are clouded by jealousy, fear, suspicion, pride. Family is not so dear anymore. Feelings are less, desires are more. Feelings are a pain, desires make you gain --- this is the motto. Never trust anyone as you will be betrayed. When someone says they love you doubt the person. When someone shows they care they must be asking for something in return. When someone jokes with you it must be a sarcastic laugh behind your back. When someone is kind to you there must be a cruel intention behind it.

As trust dies, you become the slave of betrayal. You betray innocence, feelings, love. You push people away, even the people who might have never betrayed you. But in the fear of getting betrayed, you betray them.

Is this the new world? Is this the meaning of growing up? Becoming an adult? Assuming responsibility? Being mature? I am sorry then. I don’t want to grow up. I would love to stay a child and hold on to that innocence as long as I can. So that, even if I get betrayed, I wont betray others or push people away.

Jump into fire and come back to life, phoenix

It has been a long time since I last made a blog post. Well, there is a reason behind it. I promised myself when I write next it will be about Arati. A young girl who came into our life for sometime and made an everlasting impression before a cruel fate took her away. She came and made our home her own in such a short time we thought we are so lucky. Her little pranks and fun scolding are still so fresh in my mind. She treated us as her family and we loved her and made her a part of ours as well. She had an abominable desire to live and enjoy life. After Bharati didi I haven’t seen a girl so enthusiastic about studies and learning how to read and write. In a few months she learnt all the Bengali alphabets and started with the reading part! Her wrong spellings were always fun to correct, and we both will laugh about it. She will shy away sometimes if we tease her about a lovely future with a husband and family. But I knew she wanted a future. Instead of giving her earnings to her family who will do nothing but waste it, she was intelligent enough to save it and make ornaments. She was our housemaid.. but she loved us to much that from mela she bought us all a little something. I couldn’t tell anyone how touch I was. Now that I think about it her smiling face floats in my mind and my eyes get filled up with tears.

Even during her last days with her when she was sick and mom was very worried about her, she will keep a smiling face and will assure us. I think she was the strongest among all of us. One day  when mom was sitting in the evening with a worried face after a day of a lot of running around about her from doctor to doctors, she came with tea and few snacks by herself and gave mom and said in Bengali, “you haven’t ate anything for a long time. Don’t worry about me so much. I will be alright. If you don’t eat you will fall sick too.” Tears running down my face as I am typing this. When she was leaving I told her to take care of herself and take medicines properly and come back as soon as she gets well. Little did I know that was the last time I will be seeing her in my life. I have spent days thinking if only I had spent more time with her, haven’t been rude to her at times when I was in a bad mood, if only I had given her something she loves.. and now none of those are possible. I am sorry from the bottom of my heart and hope wherever she is , she is at peace.